Resolutions Worth Keeping: Speak Well

Connections Community Church
January 20, 2008

Each of the four resolutions we are looking at this month changes lives. All were precipitated by an external event. All were a reflection of an internal change, a transformation. First we talked about the starting resolution- seek God. “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” We talked about some very practical ways to seek God as a church and as individuals-
1. Starting our week in worship.
2. Carrying that through to a smaller community of seekers.
3. Carrying that into our daily lives, to make the time to pray, read the bible, and open our lives.
4. A commitment to service, putting our faith into action.
5. Finally, the mystical one, we seek God in the unexpected-expecting to be surprised to find God going ahead of us, working in the world, in peoples lives, in some amazing ways!

Last week we got into the next step- Stay Pure. Jesus said, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” God is holy and pure, and we have to have the right kind of eyes, the eyes of faith, to see him. So we first accept the gift of purity that comes from God’s freedom, then we resolve to stay pure in all areas of life. It like two sides of one coin of purity- one side is the gift we accept- the other is the resolve to live into that gift.

This morning we continue on our journey through Resolutions. I mentioned earlier that statistically, 1/4 of all people break their resolutions within one week, and by the end of January, more than half of all resolutions will be forgotten. Within 3 months most are but a memory.

But our failure to keep resolutions, I’ve been arguing all along, doesn’t change the fact that nearly everyone makes and needs new resolutions. There is nearly a universal recognition that our lives are not perfect, that there are things we can improve, that there are goals we’d like to reach. In fact, we generally have some words for folks that think they have arrived at perfection, that think they have it all figured out, that think it’s their job to change everybody else, that they are God’s gift to the world- preachers. No really, we’d call that person delusional or narcissistic. These are folks that are so out of touch with their life that they can’t see room for growth and goals, or they are so in love with themselves that they think there’s no need to change and grow.

But for the rest of us, all of us who need resolve to grow and reach goals in life- for our families, our work, our hobbies, our golf game, whatever- are there any practical ways to beat the odds of failure? According to Richard Koestner, the odds aren’t in our favor (depressing, I know). Koestner is a researcher at McGill University who specializes in goal-setting and self-regulation, told CTV that people almost can't help but fail to keep their resolutions because of three things:

1- They aren’t specific. Too many people set ambiguous or conflicting goals, making it difficult to keep focused. I want to be a better husband. Great- in what areas, in what ways are you going to be a better husband? We’ve tried to be very specific about our goals and growth areas here at Connections.

2- They fail to monitor progress. They don't pay attention their behavior in relation to their aim. And goal pursuit without close monitoring is likely to go awry. Monitoring our progress is going to encourage us or convict us, but either way it will call us to task. Especially when a goal or resolution is large, we needs to break it down to several steps or movements, then monitor ourselves. Again, because we make our resolutions for Connections specific, we hope to be able to clearly gauge our progress.

3- They don't have enough self-control. Self-control is a limited resource that can be quickly depleted, especially when we have the same conditions in our lives- basic stimuli and response. Of course I am a model of self-restraint and control.

But even if you manage to get your ducks in a row, Koestner says, you probably still won't stick to your guns unless the resolution is chosen without outside influences. And then he goes so far to say that over the course of time simply using self-controlling tools will have a negative effect on us because it will mess with our sense of autonomy. In other words, he states that resolutions only work when they come from the inside. A resolution is only truly a resolution, a new purpose on which we fix our lives, when they reflect something that has fundamentally changed in someone’s life. Resolutions cannot come from the outside, but must happen within. This is the part I find fascinating, what we find in a biblical model of resolve, and exactly what we are getting into today.

If we don’t truly believe something, inside, down in our heart, in our gut, however you want to express it, if you don’t internalize it, it will never stick. An outward resolution, a change in behavior or a goal to reach, is only going to stick when it reflects an internal transformation. We can’t be strong armed into real change. We can’t be bullied into new belief. We can’t be coerced or cajoled or mocked or manipulated into making a change and have any hope that it will really stick, or really change us from the inside out.

You know this. When someone or something from the outside tries to change us- we take our fighting stance. Rather than move us any closer to the change, the belief, it actually has the reverse effect- it pushes us away! Even if that change is clearly for the better, we tend to resist. Have you ever found yourself fighting against something you actually believe? You resist simply on the principle that you will not be forced into it. I’ve done that. Someone’s pushing me so hard that simply out of principle I dig in my heels and say no.

When Robin and I were dating we got to that place where it was becoming awkward to not say, “I love you.” We were running out of words to adequately express our growing relationship- I like you, I feel a great affinity towards you, I really resonate with your moral compass…But neither of us wanted to be the first to make the giant relational leap of love. I could tell she was pushing to say it, so I’d be like leaning in toward her, and then I start to slowly part my lips and in a real breathy voice say something like, “Robin, I really…love your window treatments, they are just fabulous!” So when Robin had enough of this she had the gall to actually send me a tape (we dated in the era of the mix tape) with one song on it- “It’s time to admit you love me” by Harry Connick Jr. She was pushing me to make this huge outward expression of an internal change. She left me no choice but to ask her to marry me.

But, back to the point, can this internal change, this moment of transformation and resolution be precipitated by an external event? Absolutely. And it most often is. A near death experience can be the wake up call that transforms something inside of us. The birth of a child, a wedding, a divorce, a death of a loved one can be the outside event that starts an internal change. A comment someone makes, and that may be a negative comment that condemns, or a positive comment that inspires, can create an internal shift. A book we read, a conversation we have, a sermon we hear, can cause that internal shift that leads to a life change.

Who hear remembers Karen Carpenter? Karen Carpenter was an angel. She had a beautiful voice, was super hot, and drummed like Ben. In “The Karen Carpenter Story,” a movie that really brought to the public’s attention a growing epidemic of eating disorders, the power of words was revealed. Karen recalled an off-handed remark by a reporter, identifying her as, “Richard’s chubby little sister.” This happened in her early 20’s that began her downward spiral into anorexia. Just before her 33 birthday Karen died of heart failure.

While that reporter made an external remark, Karen had something change internally, in her heart that day. In real way we can even say she started to die of heart failure the moment she heard that comment. It wasn’t just an off-handed remark, it became her identifying mark. She resolved to be thin, no matter what the cost, and it ultimately cost her life. And if you’ve known someone with an eating disorder, and you do, or if you’ve struggled with an eating disorder, you know that something has changed inside. The eating disorder has almost nothing to do with external things once it has truly taken root. It all about stuff going on inside that person.

Such is the power of words- they can be life, and they can be death. Such is the power of an internal transformation. In Psalm 17:1-3 David said,

“I have resolved that my mouth will not sin.”

David, speaks of a resolution that is a reflection of an internal change. He invites God to probe his heart, look within and examine him at night. David is a king. He is surrounded by pomp and circumstance all day long. So at night, when it’s just he and God, he invited God to look within and to test him.

How can he make such an audacious claim? How can he really invite God to look within and find nothing impure? How can he make the claim that nothing sinful, impure, nothing wrong will come out of his mouth? Because David had experienced an internal change. And internal shift, a transformation. He knew that because God was in his life, he was free, he was cleansed, he was purified. David went on to do great things for God. He also went on to do some horrible things, things that all of us would universally say made him a very impure person. But he knew that inside he was cleansed and purified by God. And his resolution then, was to make the outside, to the best of his efforts, match the inside.

This whole resolution then, of speaking well, of not sinning with our mouths as David says, is an outward expression of an internal change. With enough practice, enough self control, we could train ourselves to only say nice, kind, pleasant stuff. But what David was talking about, and what we are looking for, in an internal transformation that will then change everything on the outside. A change in heart that is then reflected in a change in the way we talk, walk, think, believe, be and do.

Jesus talked about this internal shift. He talked about an internal change. In Matthew 15 Jesus gets confronted by the religious folk, the Pharisees. They come up to Jesus and try to get to him through his followers. “Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders? They don’t wash their hands before they eat.”

Which I have to say, is a really good question. That’s kind of gross, to not wash your hands before you eat. But these guys are not thinking about dirt and germs. They are thinking simply of ritual. A complex ritual where the religious types put on a big show of washing up before a meal.

And if you were here last week you remember that this symbolism was absolutely vital for a man named Daniel and his friends. They symbolically kept themselves pure and committed to God by not taking any food from the King of Babylon’s table. So important was this symbolic act that all the Israelites took note. So important was this story, that now, 600 years later these religious types have developed this highly complex system of how to wash up, how to prepare food, how to serve food, how to eat food. And now they are completely consumed by these laws, byu this ritual, by this religion that they invented.

And finally, Jesus says you have missed the whole point. You got so wrapped up in the outward expression, the symbolism, that you’ve forgotten the heart of the matter. Jesus has the audacity, the gall, the chutzpah, to say in verse 10-11, “Listen and understand. What goes into a person’s mouth does not make them unclean, but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him unclean.” The people are actually still confused. So what is it Jesus, can we have our camel and eat it too? (They weren’t supposed to eat camels in the kosher laws) Should we wash our hands or come to the table all germy and gross? Jesus, is it what goes into a person that matters, or what comes out?

Jesus says are you still so dull? And he goes on to say this scathing list of behaviors and thoughts, actions and words. The things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make you unclean. For out of the heart comes evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, lies and slander. These are the things that make you unclean.

The folks got so wrapped up in the ritual and religion that they forgot about the internal change. They got so wrapped up in the appearance of living differently, that they forgot about being a different kind of people. They were consumed with these laws and rituals and out acts and expressions of religion, that they were actually missing the whole entire point which was a change from the inside out.

Does wearing a ring make me faithful to my wife? No, but it is a powerful symbolism, a powerful reminder, and outward expression of the inner commitment I have made. Does wearing a cross make one a Christian? No more than wearing Sidney Crosby’s jersey would make me a great hockey player. But that jersey can say something about who I am and what I want to be. Just as that cross can be a powerful symbolism, a reminder of our commitment to God, of a belief that God came to us in Christ and died on a cross for our sins.

There are two kinds of people who call themselves Christians. One kind that is a lot like the Pharisees. Let’s call those people Pharisees. They focus on the external things. They want to reduce the Christian life and faith down a list of do’s and don’ts. Prescribed rituals that can easily be managed and maintained. They do this, they don’t do that, eat this, avoid that. They effectively get religion. This group actually tends to rise in the ranks of faith because they appear to have everything put together. They have this outward appearance of being right with God. They are very good at making and keeping resolutions when it comes to those self-controlling behaviors. They can make the effort, and pull it off most of the time. Nobody ever thinks they are like the Pharisees, a hypocrite as Jesus calls them. But all of us run the risk of reducing our faith to this type of religious practice. It’s very tempting; in fact, it’s one of the biggest temptations- to create a rigid and precise structure to our life of faith- so we can be in control. Any and every good discipline and practice, over time, runs the risk of become empty ritual.

The other group of Christians are those that look a lot more like Christ. Let’s call those people Christ-followers. Yeah, I’m getting real original with the names here. These folks deeply desire to live a good and holy life. They know that the outward stuff matters, but they also know that that outward stuff first comes from inside. Like Jesus, they have trouble going along with the religious establishment. They have this gnawing sense that there has to be something more to the life of faith. They are not content to simply change the outward appearance of behavior. They are not good at making resolutions and then simply trying to self-will and self-control their outward behavior.

They don’t want to just live differently; they want to be a different kind of person. They don’t just want to do loving acts; they want to be loving people. They don’t want to do compassionate things; they want to be compassionate people. They don’t want to just sing songs in church; they want to worship God. They don’t want to just say prayers; they want to hear from God. They have no interest in going through the motions of religion; they crave a relationship with the living God.

The route to real life change, to real transformation, happens not when we manage to keep up appearances, but when we are willing and strong enough to face our inner lives. Life change happens not through denial, but through the often painful process of inner examination. Life change happens when we are tired of just doing the things we know we should do, and when we want to be the kind of people God wants us to be. What comes out of our mouths, Jesus says, is simply the litmus test of what’s happening in our heart. Outward stuff, of course it matters- but it matters most in that it indicates what going on inside.

The bible says a lot about this. The bible speaks about the life of following Christ not as religion, but as a re-birth. There is such a fundamental change in a person when they give themselves to Jesus, such an all encompassing transformation, that the only way it can fully be described is that it’s as if a person is being re-born. A person is fundamentally transformed from the inside out. You can deal with the outside stuff all you want, and that will only lead to a life of lies and frustration. Or deal with the inside stuff, and let it simply flow out to all areas of you life.

So the research tells us that a resolution only works if it is a reflection of an inside change. Our own life experience tells us that we resist if folks are just trying to outwardly motivate or manipulate our lives. And Jesus tells us the outward matters, matters immensely, it’s what makes us unclean in fact, but that it simply reflects what happening inside. And if our inside is unclean and messed up, our outside will always be messed up (or we’ll just be really good at being hypocrites). And that’s what Jesus offers us- radical transformation from the inside out.

Next week we look at our final resolution worth keeping- Serve Christ. We’ll be looking at the life of Jesus and how he offers us this internal change. After that we are going to get into our next series- “How to Look Good Naked- you can complain to my wife if you’re offended- she came up the series title. For the whole month of February we are coming back to this message- what does the life of inner transformation look like? What does it look like when we stand stripped down, naked and exposed, looking truly to the inside? What does it look like to be totally transparent- with ourselves- taking an honest look inside. With God- confessing our sin before him. With other people- taking off the mask and getting real. With the world- living as a community in the world, but not of the world. It’s going to be challenging. But it’s going to be awesome. I hope you’ll be blessed and the friends we bring will be blessed as well.