Twister: Playing with Sex

We want to talk to you about sex today in a real, honest, open and frank way because we realize that in today’s culture it is very possible to completely miss this aspect of our humanity. You can grow up today and potentially never hear about sex, be exposed to anything sexual or titillating, you may be aware that there are boys and girls, and they are different, but you’re not even sure why. HA!

Nowhere are we probably more afraid to invite God into the game of Life than in the area of sex. Because let’s face it- for a lot of us, that just sounds kind of weird. But there is nothing kinky or crazy about it, in fact, we know, we really do know that God has to be a part of this area of our lives, because God invented the game, he knows how to play the game, he has shown us the box in which we hold the game, the rules by which we play the game, and he has shown us very clearly what winning the game looks like, and what losing the game looks like. And like all these games that we’ll be talking about - you do not want to lose. You do not want to lose in this area of the game of life. Losing in this area, like all the other areas we’ll be talking about, will spill over into all the other areas, and in the end, can ruin the whole game for you. It can ruin every other part of the game of your life. Or it can be a central part of winning this whole game as it brings into your life a solid and beautiful marriage and family.

Now I don’t have to convince anyone here, at least I don’t think I do, that we are playing a lot of twister in our lives. I hope there are a lot of people who have won at the game of twister, and it’s a game that you really like playing. REALLY like playing. There are others here who have really lost at this game. You have played a whole lot of twister, in a lot of ways, with a lot of different people. You have treated others like an enemy of the game, and you have hurt them. You have been hurt because of the way others played with you. You played the game in some unwise ways, and it’s cost you.

Some folks love stats. They often make my eyes glaze over. But some stats here are very telling in how we are, as a culture, playing the game of sex.
Let’s start with adults: 96% of adults between ages 20-60 report have had sex. They are not virgins. On the flip side, 4% report being virgins, never having had sex. Now the study didn’t get into this, but I will infer from this, and from the bible, that this means that you can live a rich, full fulfilled life, and never have sex. You can be a sexual being, make of female, have that be an integral part of your identity, and yet never engage in the act of sex. We have one stellar example of this life as Christians- His name was Jesus.

Of the sexually active, 29% if men between the ages of 20-60 report having 15 or more sexual partners. 9% of women report 15+. Someone is lying, or that 9% have had way more than just 15 partners. But at this level, “partner” isn’t really the right word. They’re just playing a game of twister with a warm body.

17% of men and 25% of women report having only one sexual partner in their lifetime. Most of these folks are married. Now these starts are really broad strokes: roughly 80% of people marry in their life time. Roughly 50% of these end in divorce, though the divorce rate is dropping. More than one in 3 marriages are affected by an affair. 22% of husbands and 14% of wives have an extra-marital affair. Most of these marriages end.

What about folks under 20? The latest reports indicate a slight decrease in sexual activity amount high school students, with now around 47% indicating they haven’t had, what they consider, sex. There are a whole lot of other stats and things to talk about here. But here is what comes across to me, as what I think is one of the scariest stats- recent stats indicate as many as 1 in 4 teenage girls in the US and Canada have a STD or STI: human papillomavirus (HPV), chlamydia, and herpes simplex virus. Which if course means that about 50% of high schools engaging in sexual activity are getting an STI!

OK, the point is this and should be obvious- many people, and many of our youth, are already playing this game. More importantly, they are already losing at this game. They are harming themselves in physical, emotion, and I would add spiritual ways. They have not been taught the right way to play. And when you take all the moralizing and STI’s and stuff out of the picture, it still boils down to this- less than half of people who are sexually active report being satisfied with their sex life. Less than half. Of those having sex, most say it’s not as satisfying as they’d like it to be, and for many in fact it’s dissatisfying. Indicating that they think they have some significant problems in their sex life.

That is so sad! So here’s the is the good news- do you want to know who is reporting the most sexual satisfaction of all- of all people in North America- married Christian women! And you know whom among this group report the highest rate of sexual satisfaction- the women who’ve only had one sexual partner and who waited until marriage. How about that- abstinence sells sex! If you want the best sex- be a woman and wait until marriage. Women who indicate they are Christian and who are married are statistically the most likely to be winning at the game of twister.

So now let’s get on with talking about how to play this game right and how to win! Because really, this game to too great to mess up!

Step one, following the wisdom of Solomon- fear God. Revere God. Acknowledge that God made sex, he made us sexual, he had a design for our sexuality, a purpose for our sexuality, and plan for our sexuality. That’s our opening move in this game of Twister- God made us sexual and has a design for the expression of our sexuality. God wasn’t surprised by the plumbing. He thought it up, and I think he did a pretty great job. And like any good game, he didn’t just give us the pieces, he made us a game plan. God gave us the parts and a plan. We start by embracing that.

Step two, following Solomon’s wisdom- love God and neighbor as you love your self- somehow your sexuality must reflect your love of God, your love of your neighbor, and your love of yourself. Which should all be so obvious, but somehow isn’t, because so many have removed God from the game of sex, they have not sought to love their neighbor, and they do not even treat themselves in loving and respectful ways.

Let’s go to Genesis 1. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The story unfolds a brilliant plan of creation- creating the foundation for the entire universe, for all of life. Read it. Embrace it. It’s awesome. You can’t understand fully Christian faith, or life I would add, without becoming intimately knowledgeable with the first three chapters of Genesis. You certainly can’t understand sex without these chapters.

God makes the realms of creation- the universe, the atmosphere, and the earth, God has laid out the playing field so to speak. He created what was necessary to support life. Then he starts to fill them. He makes the sun, the moon, the stars. He fills the universe. He makes the birds and the fish- he fills the atmosphere. Then, day six, he starts to fill the earth.

He starts by making all the animals: livestock, wild animals, and the crawlies. He makes it all. Then he says something totally new, totally different: let us make man in our image. Already we are seeing very clearly the Trinitarian overtones in the revelation of our God. Already we know that humans are going to be intimately tied to and like the rest of creation, but already we know that there is going to be something very unique, wonderful, and extraordinarily different about humans.

God says: let us make man in our image, and them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all creatures that move along the ground. SO God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; make and female he created the.

We do not get the full image of God without men and women. We can never be complete without one another. It is absolutely essential. And then God let’s us know why: God blessed them and said to them, be fruitful and increase in number.

The very first command that God gave to men and women was to have sex! And ever since that day teenagers have been trying passionately to honor God and obey that command frequently as they can! What does he actually say- be fruitful and increase in number. The first command is to have babies. Make babies! We just happen to know that the best way to make babies is to have sex.

Here’s the thing we have to acknowledge about our God- he wants people. He wants us to make more people. God likes babies because he likes his image bearers and he wants more of his image bearers to populate the creation he made for us. We will never start to understand the game of sex until we are willing to acknowledge and embrace this reality- God likes us being fruitful. God wants us to join with him in the creative process and create babies!

If the bible story ended there we would have a very clear mandate, and very few instruction on how to carry it out. And let’s be very clear here- women would be at a terrible disadvantage to men. It would be our job to go and get as many women pregnant as possible. To sow our seed and fill the earth.

But thankfully the story doesn’t end there. In fact, it now goes way deeper. God says I have to give you chapter 2 so you know how to play this game. Lets’ go there: Chapter 2 tells the story of the first man and woman, Adam and eve. God makes Adam, he makes a garden for Adam. And God loves Adam. But there is something not right. Something is not right in this otherwise perfect creation, but it’s not a creation flaw, it’s an incomplete creation- there is not yet the full image of God reflected in creation, because there is no woman.

SO God parades all the animals around Adam. The job is to name them and find a suitable partner. He starts checking them out and naming them- let’s call that a dog, that’s a cat, that’s a squirrel, that’s a moose- what on earth is that- that’s a giraffe, that’s weird. Whoo, hold on, what is that? I like the looks of that God! I think I found the one God! No Adam, call that a ring tailed lemur, that’s not for you Adam. Anyways, he goes through all of creation, no fellow image bearer is found. God puts man into a deep sleep (and now you know why men can still, to this day, sleep through crying babies, car wrecks, hurricanes, and just about anything else- God created us to go into a deep sleep, so deep, God can stick his hand into our side, rip out a rib, and cover it back up with flesh. Which is just what God did.

Then this is what happened: The man said, now this is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame. Gen 2:23-25.

IF the story ended with chapter one we would have no moral code, no other guidelines, no other instructions about sex. It’s all about making babies. Make as many babies as you possibly can. And this would leave women and children quite literally on their own. But with the introduction of chapter 2 everything about the game of sex changes, because now sex is about so much more than making babies, it’s about a bond between a man and a women, more specifically, a husband and a wife, that which is the most complete refection of the image of God that happens here on earth.

Folks, it comes down to this: Babies and Bonding. The game of sex is a game of making babies, and bonding as a couple. If you remove these two rules from the game, you are not playing the game the way it was meant to be played. In every sexual relationship there must be the acknowledgment, the embrace, of the creational fact, that this is about making babies and bonding as a couple. Babies and bonding between a husband and a wife is what it’s all about. If you don’t play by these rules, you are going to lose. I can’t make that any softer, any more inclusive.

The thing about sex in the bible is this- it is radically exclusive. There is only one way to play the game the way God intends and I know I’m probably going to make 90% of this gathering terrible uncomfortable and upset, but please don’t write me off just yet. Sex in the bible is a gift from God but it is radically exclusive. It is a game to be played by one man and one woman after they are married and become husband and wife. And in the act of sex the couple is to embrace the two realities I’ve just mentioned- babies and bonding. The couple that marries and intends to have sex, and if you get married you really should intend on having sex, you have to be open to the possibility of having babies, and being bonded together as a couple.

Now some of you your minds are already racing all over and I want you to stick with me so let me make a few disclaimers:

One:
Sex is about a man and woman coming together in marriage to make babies and be bound together for their whole lives. Does this mean everyone must get married and make babies- no. Jesus didn’t.

Two:
Does this mean of you haven’t followed this game plan so far, there is not hope, no redemption, no chance for you to have happy an fulfilled life, and sex life? NO, our God is a God of grace, love forgiveness, new beginnings. Stick with me. Don’t write me off yet, because I want to talk about the reality sex with the guidelines of babies and bonding.

Three:
Does every marriage have to have babies? No. You can make it as a couple and not have children. Many couples struggle with conceiving a child. In fact, one on five couples struggle with conceiving a child. You don’t have to have kids, but you have to understand that sex is given to us as the means of pro-creation, and if you separate that reality from sex you are not embracing the full picture of sex. But I would add this- this will offend someone I’m sure. I don’t think you can get into marriage when you are young and fertile and from the outset simply say- we don’t want to have kids. We have no reason other than the fact that we don’t want kids. If you don’t want kids, ever, and you have not other reason why- then you also need to ask if you even want to be married and have sex. When you eliminate babies from the picture you are trying to remove the most important reality of sex- this is how babies are made. And when you do that, I think you have begun to view sex in a distorted way. Your understanding of sex, your expectations for sex, your expectations and understanding of your partner will change and shift. And it will mess your relationship up. Fertility, and making babies is a good thing! Of course this does not apply to older couples past the child bearing years.

Fourth:
Does every sexual encounter have to lead to a baby? Is it only about babies? I really hope not. And no it doesn’t. Because of chapter 2 we know that there is this bonding of flesh and bone that happens between a couple when they are married and when they have sex. And this bond is so deep, this new sexual reality is so powerful, that it actually re-draws the lines of our primary relationship in this world. Where as when we are born we are born into a family and we are flesh of flesh and bone of bone with our parents and siblings, some miraculous happens when we marry and have sex with our spouse- we form a bond that now supercedes that of our parents and siblings- we are now bonded, until death do us part, with out spouse. For this reason a man leaves his family, and cleaves unto his wife.

There are a hundred, a thousand examples and situations and options that we could go through to flesh out this game of sex. That is a good thing to do. But in the end it comes down to this simple, clear, concise, and beautiful playing ground: one man, one woman, in marriage, open and aware that their sexual union is the very place in which life is created, and in which they form a bond stronger than any other tie on this earth. A bond of body, of mind, of emotion, of soul. This is the way the game is played. This is how you win.

You will simply not experience the full pleasure of sex if you don’t not play out sex in the way it was designed to be played. You can’t have fun playing a game, any game, if you do not play by the rules. If you try to play cards, and someone cheats, is everyone having fun- no. If you try to play hockey, and someone else is trying to play football, you are not going to have a good game. If you try to play baseball, but you do not have the equipment, you are not going to have fun. And on and on the illustrations go all pointing to the fact that for a game to be fully enjoyed you have to play with the right equipment, in the right context, and by the right rules. And when you do that- you got yourself a game. When you play with sex you have to get the right equipment in the right context with the right rules. You’ve got to get a man and a woman, in a marriage, with the understanding that babies and bonding is the reality of this game. And when you get that right- dag, there are going to be fireworks, No, I take that back, it’s going to be even better, it’s going to be orgasmic.

Play the game outside of these rules, and you are setting yourself up for a fall, and you are setting yourself up for a lose. And it could be a very big loss. Does that mean you are a loser? Absolutely not. Guess what, with God, we can always restart the game. We can clear the board and start over. But we will have baggage. And I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. You may already have some babies. You already had some bonding. You now have memories and experiences you can’t erase. You know, better than others, that you want to play this game right. You want to set yourself up not for a moment of please, not for an orgasm, at the cost of the whole game.

Because I can promise you this- no orgasm, no sexual encounter, as great as it might be, is worth the potential lose of playing this game poorly.
No orgasm is worth your reputation.
No orgasm is worth your self-esteem.
No orgasm is worth your future marriage.
No orgasm is worth your future bond with your spouse.
No orgasm is worth your career.
No orgasm is worth a disease.
No orgasm is worth your fertility.
No orgasm is worth your family and your kids.
No orgasm is worth your clear conscious.
No orgasm is worth a bad memory, because that memory will last forever.
No orgasm is worth it, because it just an orgasm, it’s just a moment. It’s just some pleasure. And there are so many other things that are much more worthy of your life. But that’s the crazy thing, to see people throw away their life for an orgasm. People literally throw it all away, they ruin everything, for an orgasm.

You want to set yourself up to win in the game of sex, to win over the course of your lifetime. To win every time you have sex with your spouse. To win 2, 3, maybe 4 times every week.

Singles:
I don’t want you to mess up this game of sex, because way too much is at stake. Today, if you have not played this game yet at all, if you have not played around with sex at all, you are setting yourself up for something awesome! You are setting yourself up to play some great games of twister later in your life. Get right with God. Get right with yourself. Figure yourself out, get smart, get strong, get a life, get a job. The get yourself a woman or a man who totally sees this game the same as you, then go for it! You don’t have to test it to see if it will work. It’s not rocket science. It will work. You will mess up at first. You will have some 10 second count downs to launch if you are a guy. If will have many failures to launch if you are a woman. It will not be like the movies. It will not be good. You will have a very steep learning curve, but you’ll get there, and when you do, it is awesome, it really is! And you’ll figure it out together, and you’ll bond together, and it will be awesome!

If you have some sexual history:
If you have played around with sex, and you haven’t gotten on God’s game of Twister, talk to him about it, get this straightened out! Start over! Start a new game, and play it right, and deal with the games of the past, but put them in the past and move on. God is so awesome, and so loving, and so forgiving, and such a Great God of new beginnings. Take him up on that promise, and then play the game well, play it right!

If you’ve really lost at this game:
If you are hurt, divorced, if you have baggage, if you have guilt and shame, if you have messed up in this area of life, if you been messed up by this area of life. If you feel like a loser in the game of sexual twister, we want to love you, help you, pray for you, and help lead you on a great new game plan.

If you are married:
It’s game time! Play it often, play it well. Play it creatively. Play it joyfully. Play it lovingly. Play it by the rules, and play it with babies and bonding in mind. If you’re newlyweds, start talking about the reality of babies. There is so much that needs to be said here, and will be said later, but you have to keep the reality of babies a part of the conversation, because when you are playing around with sex, you are playing in the realm of the creation of life, and that is a very powerful thing you are playing with.

If you are in the throws of raising babies:
God is happy. God loves people, God loves kids, God loves families. Raise you kids to know God and obey his commands, and take some time to bond, jus the two of you, if you know what I mean, and if by now you don’t know what I mean, well just forget about it.

If you are past the child bearing years:
but still have a twinkle in your eye and some spring in your step and….I’m gonna stop there. If this is where you are at- enjoy the bonding that happen between a husband and a wife and continue to nurture that bond that runs thicker than even blood. Celebrate the gift of sex. Be and example to the coming generation. Teach us what you’ve learned over a lifetime of child rearing, of bonding as a couple, of loving God and loving each other. You are awesome and we celebrate you.